KNOCK ON DOOR
KNOCKING PERSISTS
(Are you there, Cleggy?) No, Howard, I'm in town, in the library.
If you want to see me, go there.
All right.
Come on, Cleggy! How can you be down at the library?
Come in, Howard. I'm not disturbing you, am I? Yes.
I knew you wouldn't mind.
Now...YOU were married, Cleggy.
Only technically.
Ours was more of a licence to live in the same house.
We never had children.
It was only later I discovered why.
If you want to pick my brains with regard to anything of an advanced marital nature, you're on a loser.
You always tell me that sort of stuff. I bet you had a perfectly normal marriage, Cleggy.
Well, Sundays were OK.
There was chapel, then a big dinner,
and later you went for a walk.
It can't ALWAYS have been unexciting.
We had a pipe burst once.
What about...passion?
Well, THAT was for foreigners.
People without the seriousness that comes with strong tea and heavy puddings.
Sensuality?
Hadn't been invented.
This was BEFORE television.
We used to listen to the radio. Saturday Night Theatre.
There were murders and things, but, um, fortunately, nobody ever got made love to.
You could go over the whole dial and never hear anybody being made love to.
I think the passion's going out of my marriage.
That's nice! You'll be able to do more in the garden. It's NOT nice!
I think Pearl is losing interest in me...(physically.)
Does she rub your chest with vapour ointment when you're stuffed up with cold? Well, yes.
Well, what MORE do you need?
THAT is the pinnacle of human affection.
Don't potter with it! Let me see some attack.
What you have to believe is through pain comes perfection.
You want a showbiz career, you have to suffer for it. Judy Garland did. Who wants a showbiz career?
Well, it's in your stars. Ask Mrs Avery. Auntie Lol's not psychic.
She's improving. Oh, forget it.
Wait! We could be a showbiz family.
What do YOU do? I do the planning, don't I?
Plus, I'm working on this ventriloquist act.
Oh...when's he going to talk? Who? Waldo.
Well, he's a dummy. How can HE talk?
It's a pity you haven't got him talking yet, because he could've told you...your banger's on fire.
"That Tom," they'll say, "always uses a fork."
..I don't know why I love him.
..Why DO I love you?
Cos I'm hell of an improvement on the bloke you were with.
Never been sure YOU loved ME. Aww...
Loli... Let's not get into that.
I love you, OK?
It's not because I could drive a bus, is it? No! ALL my women could.
But I'm the first that could jack it up and change a wheel. Oh, Loli!
The minute I saw you do that, I knew I was home!
Morning.
Ah. You've come at the right time.
Why? What's up with HIM?
He thinks that Pearl doesn't see him as attractive any more.
Sounds fair to me. I keep telling him. Look on the bright side.
Maybe she's NEVER found him attractive. She DID. I have it in writing.
Wartime letters to a loved one.
I didn't know you were away in the war. Oh, not me, her.
She was on a gun site. Ours or theirs?
She looked great in uniform.
You must've impressed her once. You can do it again.
How? Well...how did you do it then, when you were courting?
Do you think we ought to be prying into this?
I'm all for it, on the grounds that it might be interesting. If you put it like that... It WAS interesting.
The world was upside down. It was, "Live for today,
"who knows about tomorrow?" Forget the commercial, give us the details. How did you manage to impress Pearl?
Well, she came home on leave, only to find a puncture in her bicycle.
War is hell, Howard!
There was no rubber for civilian use.
I was the only available man in the area with his own puncture repair outfit.
I hope you didn't abuse that position. Oh, you must be joking.
I had the pick of everything for miles with a faulty bicycle.
I THOUGHT you were strangely quiet on V-E Day.
It was the end of my golden years.
Well, you're not gonna crack it now with a puncture repair outfit! What did you do for an encore?
I used to do a little comic dance step that used to amuse Pearl.
Used to have her in stitches.
Well, maybe that's what she's been missing. The old "life and soul of the party" you.
But I haven't done it for years.
Go for it, Howard! Give it a try.
You've finally cracked! I knew it. It's been coming for some time.
Get indoors, you dozy blob, and put the kettle on!
Never mind, Howard. Just wait until she gets another puncture.
There you are... Thank you.
Who's the one in the funny hat? YOU, usually.
No, the one with the little man with the boil on his neck.
How can you tell it's a boil from this distance? He keeps loosening his collar.
Oh, I know all the signs.
Wally used to suffer from boils.
Sometimes you couldn't tell which was boil and which was Wally. Fancy bringing him here like that!
Well, they're not contagious. It doesn't give the right ambience if it peeps above his collar.
She should feed him at home until he's got no more surprises inside his shirt.
I never thought of Pearl as somebody who could fire an anti-aircraft gun.
No wonder Howard never took up flying. I can just see all those husbands coming back from the war,
checking their wives' bikes for signs of repair.
They won't move if you don't drive 'em. I keep telling her. Showbiz - you've got to be fit. Oh. Oh...
HE thinks she's overweight.
I'm very glad I ran into you two.
What about that old slapper you were with before I took you over? SHE was overweight. Bridget was matronly,
but... She had a backside on her like a brewery drayhorse. SHE wasn't earmarked for a showbiz career, eh?
..Call it coincidence, if you like,
but I... We all know what career SHE was earmarked for.
Didn't you ever wonder why she could say, "Hello, dearie" in six different languages? Do you mind?
I'm trying to talk to these two gentlemen. When people start calling you gentlemen it's time to go.
You seem like you MIGHT be in a position to help me out. Told you.
I-I-I was wondering... No.
Haven't asked anything yet. Keep it that way. Your friend doesn't agree.
He's got you spotted as a soft touch. We should hear what he wants. And he's right.
I just want a little assistance. In return for what?
In return for which you get a lift back to town. Sounds reasonable. We might learn more about Bridget.
In THAT? Probably got goats and chickens in it. Rubbish! I cleaned them out before I came.
Look at her. That's what they do.
They just lie there, getting fat.
He promised me my own house WITH a bath, with mixer taps!
I'm working on it. AND shower attachment!
D'you find life satisfactory from your height, Smiler?
About what you might expect while you're polishing a hat rack.
I suppose you find it easy to impress the ladies, being so tall.
Certainly made an impression with my missus. She ran off and left me.
Well, it's what I've always said.
Height's wasted on tall people.
How did you GET so tall?
How? You keep pushing your cap up, a bit higher all the time, until it stops.
What did they feed you on as a baby? Was it something different?
I can't remember now. I see.
I suppose that's a side effect.
It makes you grow tall but it's not great for your memory. Tall?
Who's showing an interest in being tall? Him. He's distracting me with talk about being tall.
It must be fate that's brought him here. Just when I'm doing a special offer this week...on being tall.
It's just, you wonder how a person got to be like him.
I know what you mean. I often wonder the same thing.
I suppose it's too late now for me to think about being tall. It's never too late, lad. You mustn't give up.
Now, I'm all sold out of extract of giraffe...
but there's an alternative.
I can put three or four inches on you instantly, just like that...
Three or four inches?!
That would mean I'd be NEARLY tall. Well, NEARLY nearly tall.
Oh, take no notice, lad. You'll be tall enough for...most purposes.
Now, step inside the shop and we'll redesign you. I like it already!
I can feel meself being more dominant.
D'you think she's got any talent?
She's got a big smile. She's got a big EVERYTHING.
I wonder why her music's coming by rail. I wonder why YOU let him talk you into collecting it.
Well, you can see he's busy. He'll STAY busy if he's going to get her into show business condition!
Should we take the pickled walnuts?
I daren't go near a pickled walnut in this. You look fine, Barry.
What I LOOK is white.
This is the sort of thing that pickled walnuts will leap at across great distances.
Aunty Wainwright said it'd look good or she'd not have parted with her father's almost-new leisure suit.
At HER prices, she would part with her father!
You look very aristocratic, Barry.
We'll hide you if there's a revolution. I feel like hiding NOW!
It's not suitable for a picnic. Edwardian gentlemen wore white suits for summer picnics all the time.
What about grass stains?
I remember a time when you weren't so concerned about grass stains.
For me, anyway. Until your mother spotted one.
That was the Sunday. She had us engaged by Monday. You don't regret it? Not for a second!
Felt a bit much at the time, since we were only picking blackberries.
You don't have to lie to ME, Barry. I was there.
..Oh.
Morning, Howard. Morning, Nora.
I'd go meself, but I ought to stay here and fan Babs until she gets her breath back.
Just show them this receipt and they'll give you the music.
Listen, Truly, I don't want to sound not confident, or anything,
but have you ever driven a transit van before? There's nothing to it. It's like a car.
There seems to be a dog on my seat.
I'll take him. Time for his walk.
'My seat's not gonna be covered in people hairs!' That was terrible.
Don't hurt his feelings.
He's only a beginner.
Tell him you didn't mean it. He's a dummy.
Oh, but a very sad one.
Oh... Don't be rotten. ..ARGHHH!
Oh, come along, Barry!
Stop making such a fuss. You look nice.
Where are we going for our picnic? Where nobody'll whistle at me.
SHE WOLF-WHISTLES Somewhere remote. VERY remote.
ENGINE FAILS TO CATCH
She won't start.
How about that? The car won't start!
I'll have to get changed and go and get your father. No need. You can go as you are.
He could have us going in no time.
I can't go near your father in a white suit! You don't have to tango with him!
ENGINE IS FALTERING
BOTH: Wesley.
No! Oh, come on, Wesley.
You can give us a lift. Just down to the station to fetch the girl's music. I had the day all planned.
I was to dump this lot and then tinker with me carburettor.
I promised it. Oh, well, if you promised it...
You'll be back inside 20 minutes.
Easily. ..Who's this?
Who do we know who works in a bakery? It's your Barry.
Trust me. I'm a trained observer.
Our Barry? Dressed like that?
It's not my idea. We're meant to be going on a picnic. Can you look at me car? Won't start, since you tuned it.
Emergencies! I LOVE emergencies!
The ultimate test.
We've just got to go to the station first. Hop on the back, lad.
Relax.
The big fella's home.
Time you came back down to earth.
You'd have only had a nosebleed.
CHEERS AND WHISTLES
I were going to take Howard into town, but he can't walk.
Sorry to hear that. What's wrong? Nothing. He's discovered he's got no head for heights.
He's wearing platform shoes.
He's trying to be taller.
Oh, well, if it's self-inflicted, it's another triumph for deranged masculinity.
Why does he want to be taller? He'd look terrible taller.
It sort of suits him being undersized.
He's striving to reach those parts that taller romantics can reach.
He can't really have any romantic ambitions left. You'd be surprised.
SHE wouldn't be surprised. Our Ros has had too much experience of life to be surprised.
There's always room for one more.
Not at YOUR age! I thought you'd have settled down.
If I settle down any more, they'll certify me dead.
And you'll go dressed up like that... DOOR OPENS
It's only me, Mother. Have you seen me father?
Of course I've seen your father.
I'd recognise him anywhere.
He's not at the shed. My Barry went to the shed ages ago, looking for me father. Now they've BOTH gone!
Don't worry about your husband being with your father! There's much worse places for husbands out there.
Oh... Oh, don't upset yourself.
They'll be all right. Trust me.
I'm an expert on husbands.
They weren't always mine.
We were SUPPOSED to be going for a picnic.
What about grass stains?
I hope you won't start on again about grass stains. We're married now!
And we're taking a rug. You weren't brought up to roll on rugs.
Oh, Edie.
Tried to tell her mother she was picking blackberries.
Give us a hand with this music, will you, Barry?
How much music is there? You might well ask, lad.
I thought you were collecting music.
That's what WE thought. He never said anything about an organ. OR about £7 to be paid!
We'll never be able to lift this thing up there.
D'you think Barry's all right? It'll keep his suit cleaner.
He'll be all right. I'm only going at a snail's pace.
I'm not the kind of reckless idiot that tows his son-in-law at high speeds. What kind ARE you?
I think the point we should consider is whether you should be towing your son-in-law on an organ at ANY speed.
There's no law against it, to the best of my recollection. Should hope not. Brussels will be working on it.
I bet very soon they stop you towing sons-in-law altogether.
You'll never sell ice cream at that speed!
He's never been gone THIS long before. An hour and 20 minutes?
It seems longer. This journey seems longer than an hour and 20 minutes!
He didn't even wave!
In a white suit? Sitting on an organ?
He's getting very showbiz.
To the casual observer, that looks a lot like Barry.
Who else do we know in a white suit?
Some good, me goin' slow.
He's goin' faster than I am!
D'you think you'd ever have got the hang of being tall? It's bad for your feet.
Nobody ever tells you it is. FRANTIC SHOUTS
GET OUT THE WA-A-A-AY!
Down and up...
..down and up!
Now, girls, running on the spot.
Out the way! I can't stop!
On the spot! On the SPOT!
GET OUT OF THE WA-A-AY!
Get out the way!!
I can't stop! Get out of the way!
Get out of the way, I can't stop!
Barry!
Oh, Loli, speak to me. Tell me you're all right.
No, I'm NOT all right.
I want a little house with a bath and a cocktail cabinet.
Mrs Avery all right, is she?
Oh, she's fine.
It's me. I think I'm in real danger of settling down.
AND in real danger of owing us £7. What a memory for detail your friend has. Exceptional eyesight too.
For his age. Owes it all to mysterious police practices and organic vegetables.
D'you think there's any fish in here?
We could ask.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd